Do Abusers Change with New Partners? 7 Red Flags to Consider in Relationship

FEB 15, 2023 AT 02:25 PM


When it comes to abuse in the relationship, it may seem like the worst nightmare in the life of the person being abused. First of all, let’s figure out what abuse is. Different trusted online sources say that abuse is when a person treats another person in a relationship with force, violence, disrespect, harm, etc. So, it doesn’t only mean that a person physically beats another person.

Now, one of the most important questions is whether abusers may change in their new relationship. Today, we’ll tell you if you should expect an abuser to change with a new partner and we’ll also point out 7 red flags that show you are being abused and it’s time to leave.


Please note: it’s never worth it to tolerate or put up with abuse in your family or relationship. It’s not going to change much if it has already started! So, leave as soon as possible and never look back! No one should be allowed to treat you like that.

Why is family or relationship abuse so common?

The majority of people want to have power over something or somebody. In most cases, this inner hunger for power finds realization in hobbies, work, bringing up children, having pets, etc. But sometimes, this becomes an obsession and people find one easy way to have power over their loved ones: control and change their lives. This is where abuse starts, in most cases.

Also, scientists say that abuse in the relationship may be a sign of ill self-confidence when one person believes that his or (rarely) her priorities are much more important than the priorities of another person. This leads to physical suppression that often ends up being bad abuse.

One more reason for this is the mental health of the abuser. These people are not always totally healthy from the point of view of psychiatrists. A whole bunch of different deviations may cause aggressiveness in the family or in the relationship.

Now, let’s see if abusers can change!

Can a person get rid of his abuse habits in a new relationship?

Yes, people can change. But unfortunately, this doesn’t happen very often. A person has to go through a very stressful or life-changing situation to change mentally. It means that if the abuser just breaks up with their spouse and starts dating another person, they are not going to change much. Maybe, at first, they will be more tender and loving, but eventually, this thirst for control and power will take over them.

It's commonly believed that a person can change their mind much after a prison sentence or after his or her spouse dies. Unfortunately, these are not going to work. One example of a mind-changing situation is when a person gets a severe illness and undergoes bad medical procedures for a long time. This may change anyone and make anyone rethink their life values.

But expecting a person will just give up their abusive habits because of the new partner is not very wise. In the majority of cases, this will not happen.

Here’s how you can control or prevent the abusive behavior of your partner:

  • Always react and never keep silent. Once you swallow the offense and try to put up with the situation, you’ll turn on the flywheel of abuse that’s impossible to stop then.
  • Call the police. You shouldn’t just keep silent and be afraid that your neighbors will know something about your life. Let your partner spend a night or two in a police station.
  • Leave. One of the effective ways to deal with an abusive partner is to take all your things and leave. It doesn’t mean the relationship is over. But when your partner tries to get you back into their life, they will be much more careful.
  • Fight back. Unless you are a man, fighting back is a pretty good strategy. Abusive people are usually pretty much cowards and when it comes to you fighting back, the conflict may be over.
  • Involve their relatives. One of the common strategies is not letting anyone know about the abuse. But it’s not efficient at all. Call your partner’s mother and let his or her family influence your abusive friend.

7 Important red flags of the potential abuser

When you only start your new relationship, you never know if the person you are dating is a potential abuser. But you may figure it out just by looking at the red flags that we are going to point out in this article.

Please bear in mind that they don’t have to be all present in your partner to call him or her the potential abuser. Even if you find one or two, it’s a very solid reason for consideration.

So, here are the 7 red flags that should make you run away as soon as you can and never look back:

1. Sudden rudeness and immediate cooling down

When your partner suddenly goes mad and then immediately gets their emotions back under control, it means he or she is just pretending to be calm and tender. After some time, their nature will take over them and you will see a monster behind you who will add a lot of abuse to your life.

2. Total control

Abusive people usually start by controlling their partners. We mean totally controlling. Phone calls, messages, free time, friends, etc. – everything! If you see this in your boyfriend or girlfriend, be sure that they will get worse and try to get even more control over your life in the future, in particular, through abuse.

3. They try to make you stay at home

If your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t want you to work, go out with friends, go to shops, etc., it means that they want to take full control of your life. Once you feel this, get out! In a month or two, your life will turn into the life of a prisoner.

4. In conflicts, they start fighting

Aggressiveness is one of the key features that define the start of abuse. Even if your partner doesn’t actually kick or punch you, they may look like be ready to do that. It means you should be ready to protect yourself. Never let anyone else physically take over you. Once you let your partner do this, you are abused and this will continue to poison your life.

5. Your partner is super jealous in all cases

Jealousness is a very bad feature a lot of people have. But when a person is super jealous, he or she will do their best to improve their control over all aspects of your life. This cage is going to become narrower every freaking day and eventually you’ll start suffocating because of the lack of personal space around you.

6. Your partner makes you do things

Family abuse starts with little things that you should be able to notice. When your boyfriend or girlfriend tries to make you do things that you don’t want to do, this is the first step to abuse. And the more they insist, the worse the case is.

If you feel you are made do things that you hate doing, you should consider leaving your partner at least for some time to get it all sorted out in your head.

7. Your partner secretly follows you

One of the key red flags of an abusive person is that he or she follows you, hires private investigators to reveal your “cheating”, checks your phone all the time, reads your e-mails, and tries to get access to your social media accounts. Noticed such cases? Just get your things and run as quickly as you can.

How to change an abusive person in the relationship?

We don’t say that it’s impossible, but you will not be able to do this without professional help. One of the best ways is to go to a doctor who can help you. Start with a family therapist who can then recommend what to do next. Of course, in most cases, your partner will not agree to go to the doctor, so you will need to find some powerful arguments to make them.