My Husband Starts Fights and Then Blames Me: Here's What You Should Do

JAN 20, 2023 AT 08:29 AM


“My husband starts fights and then blames me” is one of the common complaints from married women. Although it doesn't happen all the time except in toxic marriages where it’s frequent, when it happens, the effects are fatal.

Usually, regular fights and blame games in marriages can adversely affect the victim and break the union if not addressed. Over time, if the victim does not act or get help, she can become fatally damaged. Therefore, addressing the fights and blame games is one of the sure ways to ensure the marriage and couple thrive and enjoy their marriage relationship. 


But, since it’s not obvious what one should do, in the post, we will give you tips on what to do when your husband begins to fight and blames you. Also, we will provide you with a list of reasons your husband may start fights often and blame you.

Lastly, we will let you know when the only option left is to leave your husband. However, leaving the marriage should be your last result after trying your best to make the marriage work without success. 

What to Do When Your Husband Blames You

Although at first, you may not realize your husband is abusive when he blames you, over time, you may realize it’s not normal or acceptable for anyone to accuse you all the time. 

Notably, although there are many things you can do when your husband blames you, the actions you take will depend on your intentions. Do you want to address the problem and save your marriage, or do you want to leave the union?

Also, it will depend on how long you have been in the relationship and know your spouse, how often he blames you, and what it makes you feel. The following are some of the crucial steps to take when trying to deal with unexplainable fights in marriage while ensuring your general well-being.

1) Calmly Find Out What the Root Cause Is

As you try to make your husband understand his actions are unacceptable, ask him what could cause the problem. This is important, especially when the fights and blame are in the early stages and frequent. Failure to do anything about it could escalate the toxic behavior until you can’t take it anymore.

To ensure you are calm when approaching him, acknowledge your husband's aggression is not normal, and he may not be doing it to hurt you consciously. Calmly and respectfully approach him and let him know you are interested to understand what the problem could be.

This way, he is likely to open up, and if he does, you can help him overcome the behavior. Help him see the value of your relationship and why you need to work out a solution that suits both of you in the union. 

2) Encourage Approaching the Issue as a Team

When your husband blames you, blaming him back will only aggravate the situation. The best way to approach this recurrent issue is to talk to your husband and encourage him to address the problem as a team. You can do this respectively by pointing out that you are not happy about the fights and him frequently blaming you for it. If he treasures the marriage, he will likely calm down and request your opinion on how you can resolve it.

Once he consciously agrees to sit and talk, then you can air out your views and how you can resolve the issue together as a couple. For instance, you can agree to avoid the triggers for his behavior, and he, on his part, will be careful not to start fights.

Also, he will resist the urge to blame you whenever there is a problem. With this kind of unity, you can end the conflicts and blame games you might be having and begin enjoying your marriage.  

3) Firmly Defend Yourself

If your husband blames you often for things you are unaware of, make it clear that you were not wrong. This will enable him to become aware that you are not happy and that you can’t tolerate his behavior. Also, firmly telling him you won’t accept being blamed for no reason will be a good way for him to understand that he shouldn't blame you when things go wrong in a relationship or his life.

Importantly, since you already know you didn’t do anything wrong, you shouldn’t feel guilty when defending yourself. It's through defending yourself he will most likely begin respecting you. Therefore, always protect yourself and let him explore other ways of dealing with his hanger. 

4) Consider Seeking Professional Help

Frequent fights and blame not only affect the union but affects you as well. Therefore, for your mental well-being, you need the help of a therapist to help you navigate this tricky situation, especially when you feel overwhelmed.

The professional counselor’s advice and support will make things easier for you as an individual and a couple. Therefore, if you think your husband’s anger issues and fights are persistent, it may be time for you as an individual or for both of you to consider professional help from a therapist or counselor.

The counselor or mental health professional will be able to give you advice about what to do to improve your individual life as well as your union. You will be able to understand your spouse better and the best way to reduce the frequency and severity of the fights and blames. With the counselor’s support, you can thrive as an individual and save your marriage too. 

Why my Husband Always picks a fight with me

Your husband’s aggressive behavior mostly has nothing to do about you. Although sometimes you are in the wrong, none of your behavior should warrant fights and aggressive behavior. Therefore, it can be confusing, and sometimes you might begin believing you are the problem. To handle the situation, you need to understand that his behavior has everything to do with him and not you.

Usually, there are many reasons your husband can start fights and blame you. Importantly, if it becomes the order of the day, then you need to find out the root cause. The following are some of the reasons your husband could be aggressive and keep blaming you:

  • His upbringing. If your husband was brought up in an environment where fights and blames were the order of the day, he is likely to blame those close to him for anything that’s not working. 
  • He feels frustrated and anxious. If he is frustrated and worried about the future, he may be aggressive toward you and blame you for his predicament.
  • He is insecure. If there is an area of his life not going as expected or he feels your union is not in a good place, then he may blame you for that.
  • He is guilty of something. Your husband can start a fight and blame you for a coverup for something he did wrong.
  • It’s a way of coping with a situation at hand. Sometimes, your husband may start fights and then blame you because he feels powerless or unable to cope with the current situation.

Based on the specific reasons or causes for his hanger and aggressive behavior, you can support him in going over it. Importantly, if it's something beyond you, you can recommend a professional counselor to help him deal with his past or current pain. Notably, you can go together for counseling since his behavior also affects you. 


If the problem persists even after getting professional help, and it seems your husband isn't committed to reforming and making the relationship work, then it's probably time for you to leave the marriage.

Staying in an unhappy relationship harms your mental health and overall well-being. Therefore, you have the right to leave the relationship after trying your best, and things seem not to get better.