JAN 13, 2023 AT 09:27 AM
Yes, it is a problem. One you need to try and fix sooner rather than later. Luckily for you, you are not alone. Few people will admit it. They harbor a surprising amount of resentment and ill will towards their parents, which worsens as they age. When you consider that no parents are perfect, it is surprising that everyone doesn't feel this way.
This article will discuss the conflicting feeling of disliking the people whose approval you sought compulsively until something sets you free. It could be that you are still enslaved to their opinions to date, which is why the bile in your belly doesn't stop simmering. Read on to find out the major reasons you may feel this way, why it gets worse with age, and what to do about it.
Your Parents Were Physically or Emotionally Abusive
When we are young, our default setting is to assume that our lives are normal. We imagine that everyone's lives are like ours. The older we grow, the more we learn and notice that certain things we have written off as normal aren't.
Of course, we begin to wonder why our parents did that to us. Whether it was physical abuse or mental manipulation, the other shoe always drops when we discover that these things don't just happen.
It may be hard to question the situation or stand up for yourself by that time. After all, the abuse has been going on for years; why only say something now? Afraid of rocking the boat and drawing attention to ourselves, we keep quiet and begin nursing our hatred and resentment even more—no need to let it build up and blow.
Every time your parents pretend to be nice, it makes you sick to the stomach. So sick that you had rather not be around them at all. So sick that you avoid them instead of simply gathering your confidence and asking why you did do this.
Write an email or letter if you can't find your voice. Ensure you get a word in. Simply voicing your concerns will be a load off your shoulders. Whether your parents deny, rationalize, accept, or apologize for their behavior, confronting them will make you feel better.
Your Parents Disrespect Your Spouse
No one in love will hesitate to protect their spouse from all harm, even when their parents cause that harm. As kids, we often have blinders on. We do not notice how our parents treat people outside the family and close friends. Even when we notice them losing their tempers or looking down on people, we imagine they did something to deserve it. After all, our parents have never done that to us.
We can excuse all sorts of behavior until it is applied to our spouse or children. These people are an extension of us; therefore, mistreating them is just as bad as mistreating us. If your parents' disapproval of your spouse smoldered into hostility and disrespect, it should not be surprising that you have grown to hate them more the longer they behave this way.
Your spouse is also likely to open your eyes to your parents' dysfunctional behavior. It will make you less likely to play ball. When your parents realize they can no longer control you, they may lash out by making your spouse's life as unbearable as possible. You will have to give your parents the new sibling speech firmly. Reassure them that though they cannot be the most important people in your life at all times, you still love them. Remind them that you have enough love for all parties involved.
Your Parents Played Favorites and Pitted You and Your Siblings Against Each Other
Parents who decide to cast some children as villains and others as angels are playing a psycho game where the only winner is them. Whoever is chosen to be the golden child feels the pressure of being perfect and playing by the rules, even when they are ridiculous.
Siblings may also gang up against the golden child. The trouble child or scapegoat gets the shorter end of the stick. They are the cause of all the problems, often because they spot the parents' shortcomings. The golden child earns the golden treatment, and the scapegoat gets the jailhouse treatment.
Children in between are treated whichever way the day demands. Only the golden child and scapegoat will get extreme treatment. Moderate reactions could also have been inappropriate. For example, if your parents never gave some kids credit for saving the day and never disciplined others even when they went overboard.
Most scapegoats cut themselves off, and golden kids crumble under the pressure of satisfying dysfunctional parents. The best solution is therapy. It will help you stand up for yourself without being gaslit.
Your Parents Blow Up Boundaries and Then Cross Them
Some parents refuse to recognize the line. Mostly due to cultural differences, some parents try to impose their will on the younger generation. It rarely goes well. Your parents should not be prying into your personal life. That includes dressing, career, lifestyle choices, relationships, and finances.
Your parent should also not share too much about their marital or relationship troubles with you. Children are likely to feel pressurized to choose sides when told of such a dispute. Having to sympathize with both parents will take an emotional toll on you. Anyone placed in such a situation will undoubtedly develop some resentment toward their parents.
Your Parents Are Terrible Grandparents
This one has a lot to do with boundaries. If your parents give your kids sugar even when you say not to or buy them inappropriate gifts, it will likely get old quickly. You do not want your parent undermining you in front of your kids. It'd also be better if they didn't regale your spouse and kids with embarrassing stories of wild days you'd rather forget.
It begins as far back as your parents demand a say in naming your child. They could also demand to spend certain holidays or alone time with them. Do not feel embarrassed to serve your parents the real deal. Until you learn to be comfortable around them, having them too close to you or your kids is not a good idea. Why risk letting you dislike show when your parents drive you up the wall b turning your kids against you?
Your Parents Refuse to Apologize
As you grow older, you realize that your parents are flawed people first and your parents second. You are more likely to forgive if they are willing to come clean and confirm that you were not crazy all those years.
Unfortunately, if your parents are narcissistic, they are very unlikely to come clean and apologize. Such parents are more likely to flip the situation and make you feel like an unworthy and ungrateful child. Also, be on the lookout who do apologize but try to justify their actions. Such are more manipulative than the first set. I'm sorry, but… is not an apology. The words I'm sorry should be followed by, please forgive me.
If your feelings towards your parents are getting darker by the day, it is best to consult a mental health professional. Such a person is well-skilled and can help you navigate the minefield of your tangled and repressed emotions.
Unfortunately, even when you choose to try and fix it, there is no guarantee that you will be successful. Mainly because you are not in a position of power in the relationship. Your parents may refuse to participate in the healing process. They may also participate but remain stubborn in their views and beliefs.
We wish you the best on your journey toward resolving your feelings and hope this article helps you.